Bumper Sticker Wars

The weathered white van never really stopped as it glided beside me at a red light. It was about to turn green, so when it did change, the van lurched ahead of me paying homage to Sir Isaac Newton. That's when I saw the bold lettering of a bumper sticker on the back window that read "TRUST JESUS".
I thought that the driver must really trust Jesus because if anyone ran the red light at the street we were crossing, he wouldn't have had any time to react. That got me thinking about Jesus bumper stickers. There are an awful lot of them out there. This one seemed pretty tame. TRUST JESUS. Ok. As far as first amendment rights go, no problem, right? The little hairs on the back of my neck didn't raise up like they usually do when someone wants to talk religion with me and they are way more interested in my beliefs than I am.
But haven't I seen some other messages out there that did make me react either in mild revulsion or outright laughter? I'm pretty sure I have. So I went on a week long mission of cataloging all the religious bumper stickers I could find.

In Connecticut, I drove through (on secondary roads not highway) Naugatuck, Waterbury, Prospect, Cheshire, Winsted, Colebrook, Union, and Woodstock.

In New York I drove through Troy, Albany and Clifton Park.

In Massachusetts I drove in Springfield, Otis, Southwick, Holyoke, Chicopee, Worcester, Auburn, Dudley and Webster. All these miles were work-related but I was poised to read every bumper sticker I could get close enough to decipher.

What I discovered intrigued me. I realized that there were numerous Jesus-related messages out there but an equally vast number of Christian religion stickers as well. And for every five religious stickers I saw, there would be one that mocked or was anti-religion/Jesus. I struggled a bit with this 20% rebellion because I didn't understand the need for a public statement against organized religion. I moved my research to bumper sticker web sites and the 20% rebellion swelled to a fair fight. For every "Jesus is my co-pilot" sticker for sale, I found the anti-venom for it. Here are some examples:

"Jesus, save me from your followers." "Jesus loves you but everyone else thinks you're a moron." "Jesus enters through the heart. Stop shoving him down my throat."

I started to get the picture. There was a war being fought between Jesus-lovers and Jesus-haters. I didn't understand why the chosen battlefield was a bumper sticker, but if they were trying to raise awareness and gain more followers to their cause, I could see the point. It would be more fun if they lined up like a 19th century conflict and had an organized battle. One can dream...

The deeper I looked I found variations of the original theme. I made labels and starting adding the slogans under each one like Hypocritical Republicans for Jesus, Anti-Muslim, Anti-Semites, Christian Elitism, Darwin Elitism, Science Over Religion, Anti-Obama, Social Catch-All and Humor for Humor's Sake. The Pro-Jesus and Anti-Jesus factions outnumbered the other factions 10-1. But the use of Jesus or the messiah idea to support or denigrate a particular group was fascinating. Some people might have been offended, some could care less. But for me, a had a specific reaction for each one. More samples.

"I found Jesus. He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana." Whatever they were trying to do with that one, it's flat out funny.
"Jesus is my pool boy." This one seemed cheap to me. Try harder.
"Jesus would slap the shit out of you." That one will get your attention! Kudos to the author.
"1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given" Very clever. Thumbs up.
"I sold my soul to the highest bidder. Jesus Christ." Another top entry. Well done!
"My family values: Science and the Arts." Tell us how you really feel.
"CH_ _CH. What's missing? UR" Very effective, I think.
"If going to church makes you a christian, does going to the garage make you a car?" An oldie but a goodie.

The slogans I really struggled with had to do with driving. I don't see the correlation between bad driving and religious beliefs. Take a look.

"Are you following Jesus this close?" So, tailgaters are Christian, huh?
"How would Jesus drive?" Same idea as the last one.
"I bet Jesus would've used his turn signal." Really? I thought he got rid of all his worldly possessions.
"Jesus is my car insurance." Good luck defending that one when all your assets are seized to pay someone's hospital bills.

Some slogans were just brutal to read. "Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings." "Jesus saves you from thinking for yourself." "I love Jesus but in a gay way." Someone was trying a little to hard to offend.

These made me laugh out loud. "Forget about Jesus. Jump start your life - have sex!" "Beware of God" "Jesus saves, passes to Moses. He shoots, he scores!" "Jesus is coming, look busy!" "Jesus. The bailout you can count on." "Go Jesus! It's yer birthday!" I salute the creativity within those entries!

In summary, Jesus is a polarizing figure. In this country, when the name is mentioned or seen in print there's a pause. We immediately filter for intent. Is this an attack on Christianity? Is it proselytizing? It's the religious equivalent to the fight or flight syndrome. We hover on the edge, ready to leap in the appropriate direction.

I've always bought into the advice of sales master Tom Hopkins who said that in the workplace, there's no room for greed, jealousy or gossip. I've always tried to emulate that advice and pass it on to the best of my ability. Religion should be part of that advice. Maybe politics to a certain extent. Akin to bringing up Jesus, engaging in gossip or asking someone's political affiliation can produce an instant reaction. It just might be more than you bargained for.

The staff at The First Draught has much more to offer on this topic. I'll have to continue in the next blog. My kids are begging to be fed and I'm required by law to do so. I can't wait to expand more on Darwin, Republicans, elitism and political correctness. Until next blog, then. Cheers.