Our lead story tonight: there's mounting evidence that human beings think less each and every day. The acts of thoughtlessness contained in this report will reveal the horrific fact that the world as we know it, is about to end. I've closely tracked several events supporting this theory. I've gathered, organized and analyzed the data needed for proof. I couldn't be more confident. Here's the evidence!
1. Head-Down Driving. In recent years, I've observed the plague-like spread of this insidious habit. Pass someone on the highway, pull alongside a car at a traffic light, or the worst scenario - be passed by another vehicle on the interstate. Notice the tilt of the driver's head. Cocked downward at 45 degree angle, busily texting or surfing the web, this driver is like a missile with no guidance system. You can spot them in the distance, constantly over-correcting, swerving in & out of their lane boundaries. Apparently driving a 4000 pound, gasoline filled, glass & steel behemoth is not the most important thing happening in their present moment. And I thought I was the daredevil driving and simultaneously eating a McChicken sandwich!
2. Public Bathrooms. Know why public bathrooms are filthy? Because we treat them like crap. Compare your bathroom at home to one in a gas station, the one at work or your favorite coffee place. Any similarities? Guys, would you dare pee all over the seat at home? Fail to flush the toilet? Miss the trash with your used paper towel and not pick it up? It's about ownership. We don't have to clean that bathroom so we don't feel any empathy to the poor soul who does.
3. Littering. Much like number 2, we're not individually responsible to clean parking lots, roads, movie theaters, restaurant tables/floors or event arenas. It's got to be the explanation for the amount and frequency of trash we leave behind without a second thought. At a gas station, I watched a woman exit the convenience store after purchasing a drink with plastic wrapped around the cover. She peeled off the plastic and threw it on the ground. She then sat in the car, door open, guzzled the drink and then placed the bottle on the ground. She closed her door and the driver took off. It happened so fast there was nothing I could say or do. So, I picked up the plastic and the bottle and put them in the trash can, four feet from where they lay on the pavement.
4. Reflexive Lying. I pull up to gas station. I pump gas, then move my car to the spaces by the doors, so I wouldn't block the pumps for others. I go in and buy a coffee. I come out to find a car parked so close to mine, I can't even squeeze between them. I go back in looking for the driver. No one had a sign hanging around their neck that said 'I'm an inconsiderate bastard". The need to use the bathroom arose. So I did. When I went back outside, the driver was in his too-close-to-mine car playing with his iPhone. I knocked on his window. He recoiled in horror like a lion got too close to him in a drive-thru safari. I motioned for him to lower his window.
He did and said, "What?"
I said, "Are you heading out? You parked so close to my car I can't get in."
Looking flustered he said, "Oh, well the person parked over the lines on this side so I didn't have a choice!"
I looked around and said, "This is the last spot. You're parked next to the drive thru lane. Are you going to move now?"
He turned beat red in the face and said, "Yeah, yeah, I'm going."
What's with the instant lying? He didn't even try. There's a ton of science on lying. It come down to this: we lie all the time. Sometimes it's to make other feel better. Sometimes to make ourselves feel better. When you lie to avoid blame for doing something stupid or wrong - think it through. I'll bet it won't end well. Go on YouTube and search for "caught lying". Enjoy yourself.
5. Willfull Collateral Damage a.k.a. Unintended Consequences, What? Picture yourself walking into a church. You are welcomed and handed the weekly news bulletin. Flipping ahead a couple pages, you are surprised to find what amounts to an advertisement for annulling a marriage. Their having a meeting to educate folks on the benefits of annulment. The way it reads, you're reminded of an slimy advertisement with a suspicious angle. "Free trip to Florida if you listen to our 90 minute co-op presentation."
Then, before mass starts, the lay-person who does the readings makes a special announcement from the lectern. Yes, it's about the very special annulment meeting where you too can learn about all the myths surrounding annulments.
What is going on here? What's the hype around annulments? You're becoming unsettled because you came to this church today with many members of your family and your parents. Your parents who are going to have their marriage of 50 years blessed during the mass. How can they be pumping the annulment message when we're about to celebrate 50 years of two people sticking together?
You settle down and mass lurches forward. It's a Catholic mass, so half of it is sung poorly enough that you can't understand the words. This results in your daydreaming about how good a few local TV commercials sound right about now. Then the big moment draws near. Mass is ending. You know that Mom and Dad are going to be called up to the front of the church for the blessing.
But before that happens, you are told yet another special announcement is next. A swarthy woman dressed in beige strides up to the lectern and launches into an energetic speech about, you guessed it...freakin annulments! Calling her words a speech is not accurate; it quickly unravels into a redundant, unorganized blather that has every member of the congregation looking around in bewilderment. She even says that she recommends annulments for everyone because having her marriage annulled turned her life around. Everyone? Really? So you're recommending an annulment to my parents who were married in this very church 50 years ago?
Her rant ends and the priest comes down to the base of the altar and calls your parents forward AND all the family with them here today. Not even a transitional statement - can you say 'awkward'? So you all shuffle up to the front of the church, the happy couple, their children, daughters in-law and twitchy grandchildren. Everyone is lined up in front of the altar like you're about to be sworn as deputies in a posse.
From here on out, you have to admit that the priest does a pretty good job with the blessing. He even asks the golden couple for the secret to a long marriage and shares it with the congregation. Ok, you think, this isn't so bad.
When it's just about over, you notice the beige-wearing Annulment Lady off to the side of the altar. You give her your best Clint Eastwood "Do you feel lucky, punk" glare. She casts her eyes downward in apparent shame. You're a Catholic, so even though you publicly shamed a woman during mass, in the front of the church there's no sense of guilt.
It all ends well as members of the congregation say 'congratulations' on the way back to your pews. As everyone is filing out, the choir is singing on, you wonder what message people are leaving with today.
6. The Face of Evil. I needed to buy a car. I see one online that's available at a local dealership. I stop in and test drive it. The salesman, let's call him Carl does a good job. No pressure. Super informative. Let's me take it home for a 24HR test drive.
It's during the test drive that I know this one's not for me. So I bring the car back and sit down with Carl. Based on the initial test drive the day before, he apparently thinks it's a done deal. As a matter of fact, he's already done all the numbers since I filled out some preliminary paperwork the day before. Carl even tells me it will go through smoothly because he used to be the financing manager. He knows all about the process. He says he talked to the current financing manager about my good credit and he offers me 1.84% financing on a used car. I wonder why he's not the financing manager anymore. Before I could ask, Carl offers to tell me why: he has three kids and the hours were crazy and being a salesman allows him to focus on his family.
Oh kay...so 1.84% sounds too good to be true, right? Wait for it...
I tell Carl that the car isn't for me and that there weren't any others on the lot I was interested in. He's obviously not happy. There's not much left to say. I leave. A week later I buy a car from another dealership. It doesn't go very smoothly, but no major surprises. Not like the surprise I learned about Carl and why he wasn't the financing manager anymore. It seems that convicted felons, felons guilty of insider trading can't have a job like financing manager for a car dealership. If you want to read more about it, here's the story.
If clicked the link and read it: that's crazy, right?! Only a couple months earlier, all that stuff was going down!
So that's it. The 6 pieces of evidence that prove mankind is nearly done with rational behavior and that the Apocalypse is upon us. Popular culture would have you believe it'll be a Zombie Apocalypse. Others will expect the traditional 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Hey, it could be the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man for all we know. I'm signing off. I'll be looking for the Gatekeeper. Gozar the Gozerian is coming...
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